Finding out we were pregnant with baby number three was a pleasant and unexpected surprise. I had wanted to have a third child for the past four years, but despite my hopes and dreams, no pregnancy had occurred yet. It was right when I gave up hope for getting pregnant again, was the exact moment baby Johnny decided to show up. I find it funny how life works.
The weekend before we found out we were pregnant with baby number three, I went into a nesting storm! I went through the house and packed up four pickup loads of old clothes and toys. I packed up most of the kids baby and toddler clothes, crib, other items and sent them off to be sold at a rummage sale with the proceeds going towards the tombstones my parents want for their cemetery plots. So, Saturday and Sunday I went through totes and sent off lots of items. A huge rummage sale was to occur the following weekend in West Fargo.
Monday arrived and I went to an interview at a new job with hospice. I decided I had some free time, evenings and weekends, and I wanted to open another door in my life. I felt like I was starting to get stuck in a rut and I wanted some other options available to give myself new challenges and opportunities. Tuesday arrived; I missed a call from hospice at the end of the day. I returned the call, left a message, and received a return call back on Wednesday. I accepted an as needed job with hospice on Wednesday. Things were falling into place, just like I had planned.
On Friday, I went to see a plastic surgeon for a consultation for a breast reduction surgery. I was approved for the breast reduction surgery, which I planned to have right before Thanksgiving as I had an annual physical scheduled. I would be able to get it done before the New Year. With a $5,200.00 family deductible for health insurance, and almost meeting that amount, it only made sense to squeeze out the surgery before the New Year arrived.
Friday evening, I was lying in bed and I realized something was not right. I thought about the symptoms I had been having for around a week or two. I had been having nausea and emesis, tiredness, headaches, back pain and breast tenderness. I was supposed to get my period on Wednesday that week. I realized though it had not arrived yet, so it was a couple days late. I was so busy with going through the motions of accepting a new job and thinking about my surgery consultation, I had pushed off the fact that I was late for Aunt Flo to make an appearance. I instantly knew lying in bed I was pregnant, and decided as soon as my husband arrived home from work in the morning, I would run to the nearest store to get some pregnancy tests. I decided to not tell him until I knew for sure.
The other thought that came to mind was the odd event that happened to me a few days prior on Tuesday morning while I was getting ready for work. I was getting ready for the day and was downstairs by the fridge getting the kids something to drink, as we were getting ready for school. I had taken some wrapper or something and threw it in the garbage. As I was standing next to the garbage, I instantly became dizzy and lightheaded. I began to sway back and forth. All of the sudden I heard a little voice in my head, not in my voice state, “That’s just the egg implanting.” As I heard the phrase, I thought to myself that was pretty fucking weird, and didn’t think anything of it. Normally, people hearing other voices in their head, not in their own voice, they might think they were going crazy. On my spiritual journey, it’s just a normal day-to-day thing that happens to a psychic medium like me. I receive messages all day, every day, from deceased spirits, spirit guides, angels, and the list goes on. Looking back on it three days later, as I laid in bed, I realized I had NEVER EVER in my life ever had a thought like that come into my head and it must be valid. Why in the heck would something like that ever come up? That is just plain crazy. The egg just implanted? Ha!
As soon as my husband arrived home Saturday morning and passed out on the couch, I ran to CVS Pharmacy down the street and purchased two of the two pack pregnancy tests. One of the packs was the digital reading where it states pregnant and not pregnant. The other pack was the ones with blue lines, where one blue line is negative and two blue lines is positive. I drove home and peed in a cup as I had been holding my pee for a few hours and really had to go. I decided to do the two lines test first. The blue control line showed up and then a VERY faint second blue line showed up. I wondered how accurate it was and if I was seeing things. I wondered if my mind was making it up.
I waited another hour and then took a digital pregnancy test. Instantly the result came back and it read “Not Pregnant”. I looked at the negative pregnancy test and thought it cannot be accurate. I know and feel I was pregnant. I knew in the past I was pregnant and I just knew this time I was pregnant. I started to research online and I read several forums with people stating the blue dye pregnancy tests are not as accurate as the pink dye ones, and the pink dye tests show up much sooner.
So, off to Wal-Mart I went with my son. I picked up three more packs of pregnancy tests. Two were two packs using the pink dye and lines and one pack was a three-pack using pink dye with plus and minus signs. I went home and proceeded to take urine pregnancy tests about every six hours. I was convinced I was pregnant. Every single test came up with one control line, and the faintest second line on the test. Every six hours, the second positive line would get a little tiny bit darker.
Sunday arrived and I went to the dollar store and picked up eight pregnancy tests. I mean come on people; the tests were only a dollar. To top it off, the dollar store tests also use the pink dye that is supposed to be able to pick up pregnancy much sooner. I continued to take tests every six hours or so throughout the rest of the weekend. Sunday night as I was trying to sleep, I felt several presences in my room with me. As I looked over by the doorway in my room, connected to the bathroom, I saw several black shadows running back and forth. I could hear chatter and voices. They were excited. I could feel and see the presence of Karla, Dan, Violet and Emma. There were more shadows as well but I didn’t try to connect with them. I yelled for everyone to leave the room right now as I was trying to sleep. I told them I knew they were excited about the pregnancy, but now was not the time as I was crabby and tired. They immediately left. We have free will and when we command, spirits have to listen. I was able to fall asleep.
Monday morning arrived, and it was Labor Day. My husband arrived home from work in the morning. I decided to take the last digital reading test I had. I peed in the cup and dipped the test for the twenty seconds. All of the sudden I received the result. PREGNANT! I was so excited! I ran to my husband who was passing out in the living room in his chair. I said, “Look at this!” and handed him the pregnancy test. He glanced at it and handed it back to me. No expression. I then yelled, “It says pregnant!” He grabbed it back from me and his eyes sprung wide open as he stared at the positive pregnancy test. I proceeded to the bedroom to lie down to watch some television. My husband followed me and we visited about the pregnancy.
He was excited. This was a much different reaction than when I told him I was pregnant with our daughter. When I found out we were pregnant with our daughter, we had a nine month old at home. I told my husband as he arrived back home with some Arby’s food. I told him in the doorway from the garage as he was coming in. He slammed his food and drink down onto the ground and stormed off. He was upset. It wasn’t that he didn’t want his baby girl. He was just scared and frustrated as we had a nine month old at home, it was too soon. I say everything happens for a reason. We are not given more than we can handle. His baby girl arrived and he loves her more than anything. To make it even better, she always tells me she loves daddy more than me. She definitely is a daddy’s girl and she is wrapped around his little finger.
The next day on Tuesday, I had to call and cancel my breast surgery and made an appointment to see my OB doctor. I would have to wait several weeks to get in to see my OB doctor for the first visit. I called and made an appointment. The registered nurse I talked to made me feel like an idiot. It was like she didn’t believe me I was pregnant. This was only my third time EVER calling the OB clinic to set up a new appointment and the other two times I was pregnant and delivered babies. There was also the fact I went to nursing school twice, taking many maternal-child classes. I had begged my primary doctor for a pregnancy blood test but she said no because the positive urine tests I received were enough.
As the weeks went by, I continued to have symptoms, though my pregnancy symptoms were very mild. My stomach had really distended and I already needed to wear maternity clothes at six weeks. That was crazy since in the past I had pushed it off until four or five months with the past two pregnancies. I couldn’t shake it off that something was not right with the pregnancy. I said it to many people since day one. I would state my symptoms were not like my other two pregnancies. I was not sick enough. I had only thrown up a handful of times which was completely opposite of my other two pregnancies. I had been sick for nine straight months, throwing up several times a day with my other two kids, so this seemed wrong. Everyone kept reassuring me that every pregnancy was different and not to worry. Still, it was hard to shake off that feeling something was not right.
October 4th was our first OB appointment with our doctor. I had the vaginal ultra sound and we saw the little baby’s heart beat. The doctor asked if I was sure my last period was August 4th, because the baby looked very small. I knew without a doubt when my last period was and told her for sure I was right. I was given a due date of May 10th and she said I could have a scheduled C-section on May 7th! I was so excited! The baby would be delivered a day after Grandma Emma’s birthday! How cool! I was even told I could get my hysterectomy with the C-section! Everything was continuing to fall into place.
We decided to schedule an appointment with the genetics doctor since we had skipped it with the other two pregnancies and my sister had been diagnosed with Leiden Factor V blood disorder. As the weeks went by, I felt pregnant, but it felt different than my other pregnancies. Right around week 10 or 11, my regular clothes started to get really baggy and loose feeling. This is unusual because normally as the pregnancy progresses, the belly gets larger and more distended. I really didn’t think much of it at the time, but it makes perfect sense now.
On Sunday, October 22nd, I was dining with the family at Applebee’s. At the end of the meal I took my daughter to the bathroom. She went potty first, and then I did. As I stood up, my daughter yelled, “Look at all the blood mommy.” As I looked down, there was quite a bit of bright red blood in the toilet. I felt instantly sick. I went out to my husband and sat for a while in the restaurant. We then took off to the pumpkin patch out at Buffalo River. When we arrived I ran to the outhouses and found the bleeding had mostly stopped. I felt some relief. I kept telling myself all the bleeding throughout the pregnancy was normal. I had talked to several people whom stated bleeding is normal and not to worry.
I did see maternal fetal medicine once during the pregnancy to get my blood sugar machine and start checking my blood sugars. I was told to stop my metformin at my first OB visit on October 4th. My sugars continued to rise slightly and I felt sick having highs and lows. I did start some insulin for about five days, and then stopped once we had our genetics appointment. The genetics appointment was on October 25th. I met with the nurse first and then the nurse practitioner. I discussed my husband’s and I family history. Really, the genetics practitioner stated we had no real genetics issues so the risk would be very low.
I did explain my sister had Leiden Factor V and had been on blood thinners with her third pregnancy. The genetics practitioner stated that blood disorder is very, very common and they no longer treat women during pregnancy with blood thinners. She said someone with that disorder would only be treated with blood thinners if that person had a history personally of blood clots. She said she could check to see if I had the same blood disorder, but they would not do anything different or treat me any different if they found I did in fact have it. I have no history of any blood clots.
The first step of the visit was an ultra sound to take some measurements, and then followed up with blood work. My husband had missed the first hour of the appointment and arrived right as we went back to a little room down the hall for the ultra sound. I told the ultra sound tech that the pregnancy had felt a little off and I had some bleeding throughout the entire pregnancy. She grabbed her wand and started to look. She had a really hard time finding the baby. She switched to a different wand. She had to press really hard on my abdomen. She pressed so hard it made me moan, clench and even start to cry. She continued to apologize.
I knew something was not right. She finally found the baby. It was so tiny. I knew the baby should look bigger than it did. I looked at the screen and then over to my husband and I whispered, there’s no flutter. My husband then asked the ultra sound technician if that was the baby on the screen. The ultra sound technician stated it was the baby up on the screen. She then confirmed what we already knew, that the baby had died. At that moment, the entire room started to close in on me and my vision started to get smaller as the room turned black. I lost the hearing in both of my ears. I think I left my body for a minute. As I started to come back to, I just laid there, with my abdomen exposed, as tears began to roll down my cheeks. The ultra sound tech stated she was going to go find the doctor and would give us some time to ourselves. I lay there crying, waiting for the doctor.
The nurse came and apologized, stating the doctor was finishing with a patient and would be arriving in a few minutes. Eventually, the doctor arrived and confirmed what we already knew. Our twelve-week-old baby fetus had actually died around nine weeks. He gave me a few options as far as what to do next and I took his advice on setting up a surgical appointment to have the pregnancy completely removed. We left the clinic and then began the process of telling our family, friends and co-workers the horrible news. I went back to work for a few hours but ended up leaving early as I was not feeling good and I kept getting calls from the clinic.
That evening we broke the news to our six year old and four year old. When we told our son, he immediately starting balling his little eyes out. He was very upset. The first question he asked is if he had caused the baby to die. He had accidentally bumped my abdomen with his foot a week prior but it was not hard. I explained he did not cause the baby to die. He cried for almost thirty minutes. I did tell my four-year-old daughter. I wasn’t sure how she would react. She ran to the garage and brought me back a dirty dog toy. She cleaned off the leaves and wood off the toy and then gave it to me, stating it would make the baby be alive again. They were both sad they would not have a little sibling arriving next summer.
The next day, October 26th, my husband and I arrived to the brand new Sanford Hospital. Our very first visit, which was supposed to be in May for the arrival of our new little baby. We met with Dr. Tompkins and my husband was impressed with her entry into the room. My husband stated he was sick of people saying they were sorry. Instead of saying she was sorry, Dr. Tompkins entered the clinic room, introduced her self, and stated she wished she were meeting us under different circumstances. We reviewed the options and I signed the paperwork for surgery. Surgery would take place the next day. Dr. Tompkins was the second on-call doctor for the day and had worked me into her schedule for surgery. I thanked her for arranging her very busy day to take care of my surgery and working me in so this nightmare could be over.
On October 27th, my dad drove me to the hospital and dropped me off. My husband met me about thirty minutes later after the kids were off on the bus. My nurse was one I had worked with for several years at the hospital. I met the anesthesiologist whom was very nice and entertaining. Because I had thrown up that morning he said I had to be intubated. So, off I went to the surgical suite. The doctor performed a D & C procedure and removed the baby fetus. I still remember her describing the surgery to me the previous day. She said they dilate the cervix and then stick a metal tube up into the uterus, much like a metal straw and suck out all of the baby and placenta. She would use ultra sound to guide through the area to be sure nothing was missed. Every time I open my straw, I think about her example of the metal tube. Ugh.
The procedure took a total of seven minutes, I was off to recovery and due to a backed up day unit, I sat in the post anesthesia care unit for an hour and a half. I made sure to drink two glasses of water and eat toast, so by the time I got to the room I could pee and go home. I arrived finally to the day unit and told my nurse she better let me get to the toilet or she would have a filled bed. I urinated 700ml in the hat and she said I could go home. She also said she was not prepared for me to be going home so quick so she would need to get the discharge paperwork ready. My husband had run to the pharmacy to get some medications so she made me wait until he was back so he could hear the discharge instructions as well, even though I am a nurse and can read. As we waited for him, I visited with my nurse. I learned she had just graduated from nursing school and had been working only for a month or so on her own. She talked about her plans for the weekend and how glad she was that it was Friday. All the while I gave her tips and tricks, after all, I have sixteen years experience in nursing and she was a newbie. I wanted her to be successful. We nurses need to build each other up, not tear each other down, as can often happen.
My husband arrived, we received the discharge teaching, and I ran out the door. My nurse said she had to walk us to the exit door and I explained to her several times I was going to eat downstairs. I told her I would appease her so she wouldn’t get in trouble and she could walk us to the exit outside then I would come back in to the restaurant. Instead, she walked us to the restaurant. I ate some breakfast with my husband and we went home. I felt pretty good until about three days later and then experienced some pain and general tiredness.
I have been recovering now for almost three weeks. Although I have healed emotionally and spiritually, I am trying to finish healing physically. Yes, we lost the hopes and dreams I had for a third child. But it’s okay. I’m okay. I have two children at home that I love and adore. Every woman is different. I did bond with my fetus while it was in the womb, but it was only for a few months. I can’t take back that it happened. I can’t change the outcome. So, I accept what happened and I can move on. Now, I can relate to the many women out there who have been in the same shoes as I. Everything happens for a reason, and although this experience sucks, it is still an experience and it was meant to be. Everything happened as it was supposed to happen. As for the future, I don’t know what it will bring, but I am ready for any challenges and growth ahead. Little Johnny will be watching down on me.
Sending you love and positivity,
Copyright November 16, 2017 – Psychic Jadie